Before the war.

I have chosen to be silent when people raised their voice at me.

I have chosen to be quiet in the midst of heated debates.

I have retreated to my dark room to stayed away from those who seek to challenge me

Than it has been easy to ignore that.

I should have spoken than it was to let it the words in my head,

That was before the war that is brewing in my head!

I have laughed when I should have burst into anger,

I have smiled to refrain the tears from running doing down on my cheeks

I have clapped back to lies and forgot how much I was lying to myself as well,

Sold ideas of perfection when imperfections surround and crowd me,

Bought pleasantries from the same people who have left my back scared with stabs of betrayal.

I still sit in the company of men who have spat in my drink and poisoned the very food they offer.

But before this war in my head began, it seemed all but the life I have to live

I’m broken,

Not from being a true friend

But choosing to be friends with my enemy

I’m hurt,

Not because I didn’t protect myself enough,

But for letting people know I think good of them even as they think the worst of me.

I’m full of hate,

Not for lack of love,

But the thought of deception and betrayal from the ill perceptions of love.

I’m lonely,

Not because I do not seek the company of those who seek mine,

But because I have been I have passed poor judgement on their intentions amidst their presence

I’m lost in this world,

Not for the lack of guidance and direction to what I seek,

But for poor choices in the things I seek in life.

I cry,

Not because my well of tears is overflowing

But because I have drowned myself in problems I can’t save myself from

I want war,

But it’s no longer with those that started it

It’s a war with myself and the battle field I setup in my head a long time ago.